Love is a many splendoured thing?
by Sonia
Summary: After a Valentine's Day when Hermione gave Ewan McGregor the flick for Severus, it is now time for Christmas and all that it brings.
1. Default Chapter

Love is a many splendoured thing? 

By Sonia

Rating – R (it's Severus, Hermione and Valentine's Day! What did you expect?)

Disclaimer: These wonderful characters and settings belong totally to JK Rowling. I mean them no harm and I am writing this purely for amusement only. 

A/N – This is from the Sexy Boudoir Basket to be found on the shelves of WIKTT's 2003 Valentines Day Challenge. The lyrics throughout this fic are from Def Leppard's "Make Love like A Man".

The required elements for this challenge are: 

Snape and Hermione are having a shagfest at a location of your choice Either Sirius Black, the Minister of Magic, Sybil Trelawney or Molly Weasley comes out from a hiding place (cupboard, under the bed, Invisibility Cloak) and thereby causes great confusion Requested phrase: "One more minute and I swear I'd have fainted" Requested phrase: "What's that supposed to be? The _you fill in the blanks_ Knot?" 

Summary – Valentine's Day with Ewan McGregor at the Moulin Rouge or a gym session in the depths of Hogwarts?

. 

"Love is a many splendoured thing."

"Love lifts us up where we belong!"

"BOLLOCKS!" 

Spending Valentine's Day with Ewan McGregor and a bottle of champagne sounded like a good idea a couple of hours ago.

Hell, there was nothing wrong with the principle of an interesting bloke and champagne on any occasion but Hermione Granger, 31-year-old charms professor at large, had forgotten how angsty parts of Moulin Rouge made her feel.

Did she still believe in love? Who knew? Who the mink cared?

Thankfully, her scream of frustration had been masked by the castle's hallowed stone walls. The same walls being the recipient of another hurled champagne glass seconds later. 

Today really did suck big time but given another few hours it would soon be over. Either that or she would go barking mad in the mean time. 

She was reasonably attractive, had a brain that could equal most wizards if not surpass them and yet a lasting relationship eluded her. While on most occasions this did not bother her, there were nights when she could and would have sold her wand just to be loved by a man who was her intellectual equal. If only for a few hours. 

There was definitely a price for not suffering fools easily, Hermione mused. 

The young witch thought she had better burn off some excess energy in a more traditional method, as there were only a certain number of champagne glasses a girl could shatter. 

What was a single witch to do to simmer down on Valentine's Day?

Socialising was out of the question. Harry and Ginny were enjoying a rare night away from their three children and Ron was touring Europe as captain of the Chudley Cannons.

Reading? For one rare occasion in Hermione Granger's life books were not going to be the answer. A good sweat building session in the gym was. 

Changing into a halter-top, sports bra and yoga pants, Hermione headed down to a gymnasium she found on one of her late night strolls through Hogwarts' corridors. The gym was deserted. No need for weights, yoga or Pilates when she was frustrated enough to punch the living crap out of anything. 

The punching bag was perfect. Solid enough to take plenty of punishment and whatever else Hemione could throw at it. Her foot connected with the punching bag, sending it swinging backwards towards the opening doorway.

Who else was coming down here to seek refuge from the hearts and flowers that flooded the rest of the castle? Sharing her refuge was not required or desired. Why couldn't the rest of the castle let her belt the living daylights out of her Valentine's Day blues in peace?

"Ooowwwff!" The man doubled over and fell to the mat covered floor, shielding his groin on the way down. 

"Oh, I am sorry! Lumos!"

When she was growing up, Hermione often heard her parents refer to things as a Kodak moment. Now she knew exactly what they meant. It was a situation she had not expected to find herself in for love or money. If it wasn't so serious Hermione could start giggling. Witch and wizard just looked at each other, not knowing what to say or who should say it first.

"Fucking hell! Severus! What the hell are you doing down here? Escaping Valentine's Day as well?" 

Hermione's hands rested on Severus shoulders and she looked at her stricken colleague. His hands were still shielding a rather sore crotch. What on earth was Miss Granger trying to do? Render the Snape line extinct?

"Severus, what can I do?" 

Someone should have told a mind as fine as Miss Granger's not to ask such open-ended questions, Severus thought. This was a better Valentine's Day opportunity than giving that blasted cat of hers the keys to a giant canary cage. As the only single witch and wizard under 50-years-old at Hogwarts, there were just some situations in life where time was on their side.

A potentially dour evening had just turned delicious. 

"How about offering to kiss it better Miss Granger?"

Holy mother of mink! Happy Valentine's Day Hermione Granger! While it might not have been champagne, roses and promises of undying devotion, Severus' offer was certainly going to go a long way to easing the feelings of frustration and loneliness that threatened to overwhelm her earlier tonight.

~*~*~*~

Don't call me Gigolo  
Don't call me Casanova  
Just call me on the phone  
And baby come on over  
When you need someone  
When you need someone to...

Make love like a man  
I'm a man  
That's what I am; yeah  
Make love like a man  
Your kinda man  


~*~*~*~

His hands fumbled with the ties on her halter-top. Try as he might, the potions master could not handle unfastening the only barrier between him and paradise.

"What's that supposed to be? The Galifreyian Frustration Knot?" 

"Must I do everything myself?" Hermione muttered, as her hands swatted Severus' out of the way. Soon the top and her sports bra were decorating the top of the punching bag. His lips began a soft but delicious assault on her breasts. 

She had heard the effectiveness of his tongue as a student and a colleague, but this totally redefined the odds.

The fireplace roared into life causing Severus and Hermione to pause their indulgent activities for a moment. Who the hell would floo anywhere on Valentine's Day?

Molly Weasley's face went as red as the negligee she was wearing when she climbed out of the fireplace and copped an eyeful of Severus' head between Hermione's breasts.

"Oh Merlin's wand!" Molly screamed.

All Severus and Hermione could do was lie there, looking like startled rabbits in the headlights of an oncoming semi trailer. There was nowhere to go – nowhere to hide. So Severus decided to make the most of a bad situation, in the best possible way.

Both of them still had their eyes on their friend. This was a sight neither of them had expected or wanted to see. Severus inched his way up Hermione's body and started making little rocking movements with his hips. 

Somebody should have warned the potions master about what happens when you play with fire, thought Hermione. This was beginning to feel just a little too good. A little lower . . . oh right there please. Pretty please?

Oh Nimue, thought Hermione. Was going into fits of screaming orgasmic lust in front of your best friend's mother inappropriate? More than likely. 

"You have forty years to stop that," Hermione muttered under her breath 

All Severus could do was smirk and keep rocking his hips, grinding into Hermione's pelvic bone. This beat Valentine's Day with Ewan McGregor and the rest of the Moulin Rouge bohemians hands down. 

Speaking of hands down, Hermione was discovering the delights of Severus' well-formed butt. Payback could be such a bitch, she thought as the man on top of her started grinding his hips into her even more. Oh yyyyesssssss.

"So sorry professors, wrong fireplace all together. I was hoping to surprise Arthur in his office at the Ministry. Now, what size jumper do you take Severus? Shall have to think about knitting you something for Christmas if this keeps up . . ."

With a flash of green flame, Molly disappeared into the fireplace and left the two professors to continue their Valentine's Day celebrations. 

"One more minute and I swear I'd have fainted" Hermione started to giggle.

"I hope Arthur Weasley will be surprised because I was totally startled. There are just some things in the wizarding world one never expects to see. I don't think I can look at red lace in quite the same way ever again." 

Severus started to untie Hermione's yoga pants and his soft, tapering fingers began exploring the delights concealed by her lilac thong. She couldn't wait to see his face when he saw the word "luscious" embroidered across the front of the thong. This evening was going to get much better.

"Happy Valentine's Day Severus."

"Happy Valentine's Day Hermione."

~* Finis *~


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer – Written purely for amusement and with much respect to JK Rowling.

Author's notes: Totally and utterly AU. Written with love for Sarah LoTuS who kept prodding me to keep going. Mwah! Unbetaed so apologies for any mistakes in advance.

He had been a Death Eater. The Dark Lord hadn't scared him. Dumbledore hadn't made him back away. So, why was Severus Snape, Potions Master, scared of a box wrapped in Christmas paper?

The box contained his and Hermione's first Christmas presents as a couple from Molly Weasley, that's why.

There was bright red wrapping and an explosion of ribbons in red, gold, green and silver. The woman was as subtle as a rampaging dragon.

After the St Valentine's Day debacle then debauchery in Hogwart's gym, Severus and Hermione had tried every memory spell they knew to rid their minds of an image of a red-negligee-clad Molly Weasley coming through the Floo and interrupting the best sex either had gotten in months.

Since then, the sex had continued to more than Severus and Hermione's satisfaction. While they weren't sharing quarters or talking weddings just yet - everyone else in Hogwarts had them paired off. It was almost like they were about to get on Noah's Ark.

Severus felt his wards shift and admit Hermione to the dungeons.

"Ahh, I see the house elves delivered Molly's gift down here - I was wondering where it went."

Her paramour looked at the box as though a grown Norwegian Ridgeback would emerge from it and start dancing the can-can.

"It's just a box," admonished Hermione in her best teaching voice.

"After the negligee episode_, my darling,_ I am not looking at anything that woman delivers to us as "just" a box."

Severus wondered if reaching for his wand to run diagnostic and defensive spells on a Christmas present could be considered over the top.

Fishing around in the box, Hermione latched onto something soft. It felt like silk - acromantula silk to be precise. It must have cost Molly a fortune, or she had found a ball or two of the stuff lying around Grimmauld Place somewhere. She would bet Galleons on the second theory actually.

Oh well, at least it would be a nice sweater, she thought as she tugged on the mystery item of clothing. She knew acromantula silk was light and airy as well as being warming. A sweater shouldn't be _this _lightweight, should it?

"Holy Nimue's garter belt!"

"Severus, I don't think they heard you at Beaubaxtons," Hermione chided.

"Take a good look at what is in your hand my dear and think about who sent it to us."

Hermione looked at her left hand and its index finger from which dangled a piece of black thong underwear with the letter "H" embroidered on the front.

There were times when it was good to be a Muggle and have knowledge of certain things - like a greater range of profanities. Hermione let rip with a string of language so blue, it would have made the most seasoned Knockturn Alley whore blush like an absolute champion.

"I hope you realize that could chafe like nobody's business." Severus raised an eyebrow and looked at the rest of the present. "I suppose we had better see what else she has in there."

Severus reached into the box and felt a jar, which should be safe enough. There was something else – something soft, silky.

Molly couldn't have.

She really shouldn't have.

Oh Merlin's jockstrap – she did.

He toyed with the idea of only pulling the jar out of the box and pretending the other item didn't exist.

"Well … it seems Molly believes in the concept of his and hers," Severus didn't know which way to look. At the rainbow thong underwear with the black S embroidered on it? Or at Hermoine who was now holding the jar of chocolate sauce in one hand and her "present" from Molly in the other.

"What I want to know is how she got your size right darling?" The witch actually cackled with laughter and Severus worried she would begin hyperventilating at any second.

The remainder of the morning was spent peacefully opening gifts and snuggling by the fire. Then came the question of whether to join the remaining staff members in the Great Hall for Christmas luncheon.

All had been agreed to and as Hermione had one hand on the doorknob to leave for lunch – she had an idea.

"How about we wear those little somethings Molly sent over to lunch? They do feel like acromantula silk you know, so I don't think they would chafe anything I might need later."

Severus went from zero to flounce quicker than a Dark Wizard could cast an Unforgivable. A good duelist knows when to launch a counter attack. Hermione was good.

"Afterwards, I could take yours off with my teeth and show you some other uses for chocolate sauce?"

Severus' jeans were around his ankles by the time Hermione had uttered the word "sauce".

"Did anyone ever tell you that you really don't play nicely?" Severus was muttering under his breath as he refastened his jeans and then hers.

"Let's go to lunch."

~*~*~*~

Snow was falling from the ceiling of the Great Hall and fat, fluffy strands of tinsel chased each other around the window frames. Christmas carols, both magical and Muggle, came from one of the largest Christmas trees Hermione had seen in a long while. As they were walking to their chairs, the tree began to play John Lennon's "So This Is Christmas".

"He was a wizard you know," said Severus.

"Most of the time the Muggle world thought he was a total genius anyway – a little bit nutty but a genius."

The couple took their places at the table, greeting Minerva and the new Arithmancy Professor Lotus Turner-Jones with nods and smiles.

Somewhere between the turkey and plum pudding with brandy custard, Severus felt a strange itching between his legs and it had nothing to do with his growing desire for Hermione.

He shifted in his seat hoping to ease the itch that was beginning to feel like he was being attacked by a phalanx of mosquitoes. This was not good – not good at all.

Severus' mind began ticking off and dismissing possible causes while working out how to discreetly scratch the offending area.

Was grabbing Hermione's hand under the table and having her scratch his groin an option? No, leaving the Great Hall with tented trousers was just not on. Besides, the remaining students would faint when they realized he was capable of having an erection.

He twisted and turned in his seat as discreetly as possible and could feel a frown forming. Now he didn't have to dodge stray Unforgivables from Dark Lords, his poker face was not the greatest. He'd blame it on all the stellar sex with Hermione.

"Severus, you don't seem to be quite yourself. Are you feeling all right?" Minerva's expression was somewhere between concern and laughter.

"You need not concern yourself Headmistress." He could feel Hermione's fingers digging into his thigh. Glancing sideways, she was giving him the frowning of a lifetime.

"Stop squirming, you look like a first-year Hufflepuff," she hissed.

"My crotch feels like it is on fire!" he hissed back.

"Starting foreplay a little early mon ami?" she teased.

"Seriously - since we came into the Great Hall the front of my trousers has done nothing but itch. I have gone through every possible cause including the laundry techniques of house elves and can't think why I am feeling this way.

"Do you think one of the students jinxed you has a joke?

"I would suggest that is highly unlikely as the last great pranksters in Hogwarts were the Weasley twins. As much as it pains me to say this about Griffindors, no one has had their level of finesse since.

"You don't think a house elf has put itching powder in your boxers?

Lotus Turner-Jones raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow at Severus and Hermione's frantic exchanges.

"You would think they would have enough decency to get a room or have stayed in their quarters." Her continental twang carried along the table.

"Oh shush Lotus, it is nice to see some love back in the castle.

"Minerva, what we are seeing at this Christmas dinner table isn't love – it is full-on 110 per cent, grade A1 lust."

"They're happy. So in the name of Merlin, just get over yourself. Just because you're not getting any…"

"Hooch, would you like a broomstick jammed someplace you can't get it back from?"

Minerva's goblet slammed onto the table, causing the three women to stop their bickering. A well-practiced glare left the younger women thinking their dessert was far more interesting than the dilemmas being faced by Severus and Hermione.

"There _are _students still present," Minerva intoned, directing a pointed glance towards the student table where a couple of first years where straining to hear what was going on and why something unnatural was about to happen to a broomstick.

"Severus, are you sure you are okay?"

"But Hermione, I am not wearing boxers toda … holy Merlin's flaming jockstrap! MOLLY WEASLEY!"

It was hard to say what happened next, whether it was Minerva knocking over a full jug of custard which left a yellow waterfall from the edge of the staff table to the floor; Lotus Turner-Jones hollering at the top of her lungs for Severus to "get his snarky arse back here and explain everything." or Madam Hooch offering to scratch Severus wherever he itched.

This last earned Madam Hooch a close encounter with Hermione's right hook.

The students were left wondering whether their oh-so staid teachers had been hitting the Christmas cheer more than a little early.

Severus sprinted from the Great Hall, the friction of the woolly g-string becoming almost unbearable to the point of pain. Reaching into his trousers, his fingers curled around the waistband of the offending garment.

Any damage that might be sustained by "going commando" would surely be less than leaving this stupid thing on.

He gave an experimental tug on the waistband, Cheap, scratchy wool against bare skin was not good, It almost felt like some kind of burning hex. Who needed a Dark Lord when you could have handcrafted underwear from Molly? Torture definitely had a new name.

If he didn't respect Molly so much, he would have hexed the woman six ways to Sunday by now.

"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!" The wool eventually gave way and the rainbow underwear fell to the stone floors of Hogwart's corridors near the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy.

The offending item was scooped up by Hermione who sprinted by the same spot minutes later. No need to leave evidence for one and all to souvenir. Now, where had Severus gone?

The door to the Room of Requirement appeared before Hermione. Ask and ye shall receive, she thought wryly.

~*~*~*~

The sight that greeted one of Hogwart's brightest would have burned the retinas off a lesser mortal. Severus was kneeling in front of the Floo in a white hotel-style dressing gown trying to keep the garment together. No point in giving Molly an eyeful of the damage she had caused. He wouldn't be able to seduce Hermione for a week.

It was the fluffy bunny slippers on his feet and hers that reduced her to giggles.

"The entire bloody castle is conspiring to give us dodgy Christmas gifts - literally," she muttered.

"Severus, is there anything I can do?" Hermoine walked up and hugged her most confident confidante from behind.

"You could kiss this better later. Mrs Weasley …are you there?" Severus' voice was set at a deceptively silky pitch that Hermione knew meant trouble.

No response from Molly gave Severus and Hermione time to wander over to the bed and wrap themselves around each other – trying to soothe the hurts cheap wool left on tender parts of each other's bodies.

Molly's head came through the Floo just as Hermione's head started descending towards the open flap of Severus' robe.

"Yoo hoo! Severus! Hermione!"

"Merlin's flaming balls Molly!"

"Next time wear a bell! Once is unfortunate but twice is making me think you are into voyeurism."

"But I just wanted to see how you liked your Christmas presents." Molly's head started to sink back into the embers. She had a feeling this might not end well.

"I thought it was rather clever of me to charm ordinary wool to mimic acromantula silk.

"Next time Molly, get Fred or George to do the charm work – it wore off during dinner."

Muttering something about how that wasn't supposed to happen, Molly shrunk into the ashes a little further.

"The Christmas present I was going to give Hermione will now have to wait until well past New Years. You had better hope I have healed by then. It is not manners to keep a lady's Christmas gift from her."

"Molly, next Christmas a gift voucher to Flourish and Blotts will do just fine."

It was all Hermione could do to try and get Molly out of there before this turned really nasty.

"Actually Hermione, I was thinking more along the lines of the magical edition of the Karma Sutra."

The Weasley's matriarch's head disappeared back through the Floo just as a jar of chocolate sauce hit the fireplace, shattering right above where Molly's head would have been.

"Now where were we?" Severus turned his attention back to what really mattered on Christmas afternoon – Hermione.


End file.
